In April 2016 I experienced a Spiritual Awakening.
I had a taste of living in 5D consciousness.
It was the best week of my life.
For 6 days I was filled with so much Love, Kindness, Compassion, Understanding, Joy & Peace. I thought I would burst; these feelings were not of this World.
Since that week I have fought to get back there again. I have spent thousands of hours researching all things Spiritual, taking in as much information as possible, trying to understand what I experienced & what it all meant.
And then August 2018, it all came together. Finally I understood.
The meaning of life that I have been searching for my whole existence, the reason I am here.
A brief look at my life so far:
Growing up with alcoholic parents & domestic abuse was tough. I felt helpless, powerless, frustrated & experienced a lot of pain. I tried to help my self-destructive parents but it fell on unlistening ears. Being ignored & looked down on by neighbours, knowing policemen by name, were just some of the things that became normal. Then when my younger brothers were taken into foster care the pain was unbearable.
But, underneath it all, I had a deep feeling; a knowing that life wouldn’t always be this way.
Ever the optimist, I believed everything happened for a reason, every experience was to make me stronger. The future would be brighter, happier, I just knew it! My older Sister, 3 younger Brothers & I would grow up & life would really begin. I envisioned us grown up, with families of our own, having dinner at each others homes, creating happy memories. This deep feeling made me fight each day; it gave me the strength & confidence to keep going.
In December 2012, my younger brother was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer, aged 16.
6 months later he left our world.
There are no words to describe the pain.
I lost control of my life, I lost my apartment, my partner at the time, I barely kept hold of my business. But most importantly, I lost that deep feeling, my reason for living. What was the point now, the future was gone, our future was gone, life would never be bright or happy again.
I spent the next couple of years living in fear, anger & sadness.
I hated myself, I hated my life.
Why? Why did this happen? Why Tony? Why wasn’t it me? It wasn’t fair; we had already experienced so much pain, it was our turn to be happy.
I didn’t want to be here anymore. I had no reason to fight anymore, I had no more fight left in me. I prayed for my life to be over.
I turned to work.
I turned to alcohol.
I kept my mind & life busy so I didn’t have to deal with my thoughts & emotions. I didn't even know how to begin to help myself so I tried to help anyone I could so they didn’t feel the way I felt.
And this did work, for a short while.
My career took off; I made it through to the biggest competitions in the UK. I co-produced charity shows. My business grew; I was running it full time.
But I was losing control of my mind. I was partying too much, not taking care of myself, spending days off lying in bed hung-over watching conspiracy theories & validating my belief that the world was cruel, evil & unfair.
A turning point in my life happened in 2014. I was on stage in front of 800 people & I had a mental breakdown. I felt extreme paranoia, I thought every member of the audience & judges panel hated me, I believed they thought I was shit & I didn’t deserve my place on stage. I proved my thoughts right & messed up every part of the routine. In front of my dear friends & supportors, in front of fellow pole dancers I admired, in front of the industry I was a part of. It was hell.
Enough was enough, I couldn't hide any more. I decided to have private counselling so I was in control of when I would allow this pain to come out. 6 months of counselling really helped clear the dark, depressive fog in my mind. I started to feel better. I won a small competition. Hope began to return.
Then in 2016 my Awakening happened. After a day at the beach with a dear friend, my mind became clear as my thoughts drifted away with the waves. Later that day I found an article online (or rather it found me) about Twin Flames & suddenly everything in my life to that point made sense. There was a reason. My deep feeling returned with a huge bang for that one week, it was a truly beautiful experience.
Then the real work began.
The negative voices were starting to come back, but this time I could consciously hear them.
I had found the strength & motivation to work on myself & my life.
I wanted to feel like that again & always. I wouldn't stop until I did.
For two years I isolated myself to work on self-development & self-discovery.
My mind was a total mess! I had been so unaware of the many negative self-belief systems that were ruling my entire life & holding me back.
But by working through each area relentlessly, I began to fall in love with myself and my life.
I have self-healed & overcome:
Grief of loss
Grief of childhood trauma
Eating disorder & my relationship with food
Self worth issues
Self image issues
Letting go of toxic people
My relationship with money
And I now live every day with love in my heart & excitement in my mind.
It doesn't just happen, I work everyday to feel like this but it is easy & enjoyable now I know how.
I believe we are all spiritual, we have just forgotten who we are. We are all awakening which is a very exciting time to be alive. We are all embarking on our own, unique spiritual journey.
I have been guided to share my story to offer hope to anyone who needs it right now & to inspire others to discover their own Spirituality.