Every experience has shaped who I am today
Growing up with alcohol dependent parents & domestic abuse was tough.
As a teenager I often felt helpless, powerless & frustrated, I experienced a lot of pain
.When my younger brothers were taken into foster care the pain was unbearable.
But, underneath it all, I had a deep feeling; an inner knowing that life wouldn’t always be this way.
Ever the optimist, I believed everything happened for a reason, every experience was to make us stronger.
I believed our future would be brighter, happier; I just knew it!
My Sister, my Brothers & I would get through this & life would really begin.
I envisioned us all as grown ups, with families of our own, having dinner at each others homes, creating happy memories.
This deep feeling made me fight each day; it gave me the strength & confidence to keep going, and we got my brothers out of foster care to be home with us.
In December 2011, my younger brother was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer, aged 16.
6 months later he left our world.
There are no words to describe the pain I felt.
I lost it.
I lost control of my life.
I lost my apartment.
I lost my partner at the time
I barely kept hold of my business.
I lost that deep feeling, my reason for living.
What was the point now?
Our future was gone!
Life would never be bright or happy again!
I spent the next couple of years living in fear, anger & sadness.
I hated myself, I hated my life.
I had one burning question in my soul
Why did this happen?
Why my brother Tony?
Why wasn’t it me?
It wasn’t fair; we had already experienced so much pain, it was our turn to be happy.
I didn’t want to be here anymore.
I had no reason to fight anymore, I had no more fight left in me.
I prayed for my life to be over.
I turned to work.
I turned to alcohol.
I kept my mind & life busy so I didn’t have to deal with my thoughts & emotions.
I didn't even know how to begin to help myself so I tried to help anyone I could
so they didn’t feel the way I felt.
And this did work, for a short while.
My career took off;
I qualified to compete in the biggest competitions in the UK.
I co-produced charity shows.
My business grew; I was running it full time.
But I was losing control of my mind.
I was partying too much, not taking care of myself.
Spending days off lying in bed reading conspiracy theories & corruption, then researching the theories which validated my belief that the world was cruel, evil & unfair.
A turning point in my life happened in 2014.
I was on stage in front of 800 people & I had a mental breakdown.
I felt extreme paranoia, I thought every member of the audience & judge panel hated me
I believed they all thought I was shit & I didn’t deserve my place on stage.
I proved my thoughts right & messed up every part of my routine.
In front of my dear friends & supporters, in front of fellow pole dancers I admired,
in front of the industry I was a part of.
It was hell.
Enough was enough, I couldn't hide from myself any more.
I decided to have private counselling so I was in control of when I would allow this pain to come out.
6 months of counselling really helped clear the dark, depressive fog in my mind.
I took a step back from life
I spent time alone in Nature
I started to feel better.
I won a small competition.
Hope began to return.
Then came April 2016
I experienced a Spiritual Awakening
Some call it finding God, some call it Kundalini Rising
I call it Home
Everything in my life to that point made beautiful, perfect sense.
It was all connected
There was a reason for everything
That deep feeling, the Inner Knowing that I had as a teenager, returned with a huge bang
For 6 days I was filled with so much Love, Kindness, Compassion, Understanding, Joy & Inner peace ~
I thought I might burst
These feelings were not of this World!
And just like that, my life was changed forever